2For66

Traveling, Cooking, Reading, and Trains

I love stupid jokes and puns. I remember some but not all. I thought I’d create a page of jokes so I can remember them. Who knows, you might enjoy some

June 2020 From Reddit r/Jokes

A time traveler went to ancient Rome. When he got there he realized he wasn’t dressed properly, so he went to the toga store. He was a large man and couldn’t find the large togas; so he went to the salesman and asked:

“Do you have XL togas?”
The sales clerk responded: “Well, yes. But why do you need that many”?

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I went to the optician today because I kept seeing the world fall apart.
He said I have 2020 vision.

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Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding equipment?
He made a spectacle of himself.

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A man walks into a library and asks the librarian: “I’d like to borrow a book on small penises”
The Libraian says: “It’s not it yet.”
The man says: “Yeah, that’s the one.”

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Q: Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
A: Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan

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I got booed off the stage on open mic night. because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impression. But I’m not going to get me down.
I’ll be back.

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My room mate thinks I’m crazy.
Jokes on him: I don’t have a room mate.

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A man walks into his own home and asks his wife: “Why are all these broken condoms on the couch?”
His wife responds: “Can you please call our children my their names?”

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July 20, 2018

From AARP magazine

My brother couldn’t pay his water bill this month so I sent him a get well soon card.

And this one is kind of dirty so skip it if you’d like. We heard a variation at the Oregon Coast Aquarium:

An octopus goes into a bar and says “I can play any instrument”.
Someone hands him a guitar and he plays like Eric Clapton
Then, someone points him to a piano and he plays it like Elton John.
Next someone hands him some bagpipes; the octopus fumbles with it for a bit and someone says “what’s the matter, I thought you could play anything”.
The octopus replied: “Play it!? I”m going to have sex with it once I figure out how to get her pajamas off.”

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March 27, 2018 Heard or read this on the way to Chicago

Q: Why don’t crabs donate to charities
A: Because they are shellfish (selfish)

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From Cheezburger.com February 18, 2018

Q: What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

A: Prime mates.

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If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They are usually 90 degrees.

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Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus

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Q: If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Really, really big hands

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Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Cole’s Law is thinly sliced cabbage

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I took part in the sun tanning Olympics.
I only got bronze.

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A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender says “Hey.”
The horse replies, “Sure”

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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher that the Empire State Building?
A: Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

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Q: What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill”

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Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet

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Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name

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I Googled :”Rorschach Test”
But all that up were pictures of my parents fighting.

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From the AARP magazine I think

Q: What country has the fastest growing capital city?

A: Ireland; ’cause it’s always Dublin [doubling].

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From my buddy Denny – a Star Wars fan – but then, who isn’t? – oh yeah, Michelle.

Q: What is the temperature inside a Ton Ton

A: Luke warm

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This next set are from the Cheezburger.com Fail Blog

My wife accused me of acting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

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Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.

Soldier: Thank you, sir

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.””

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Shepherd herding sheep with a sheepdog, gets them into a pen, closes the gate and turns to the farmer.

Shepherd: Here you go sir, 20 good sheep there for you

Farmer looks them over and says: “There are only 16 sheep there, mate.”

Shepherd: I know but I just rounded them up.

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Q: Where do sick boats go?

A: The dock.

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A plateau is the highest form of flattery

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Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards off a boat?

A: Because if they fell forward, the’d still be on the boat.

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This is my step lader. I never really knew my real ladder.

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I have two arms but I also have forearms (four arms)

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Q: What is the biggest problem today:  ignorance or apathy?

A: I don’t know and I don’t care?

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Q: Why did the old man fall down the well?

A: He couldn’t see that well.

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Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A: One’s really heavy; the other’s a little lighter.

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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

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I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was collecting dust.

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Q: Which side of a chicken has more feathers?

A: The outside

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Q: What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?

A: A polar bear.

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come.

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I’d like to start a career in mirror washing; it’s something I could really see myself doing.

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Q: What’s E.T. short for?

A: Because he’s got little legs.

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A limbo champion walks into a bar; he’s disqualified

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These come from wherever

 

Q: What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

A: Attire

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Q: Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?

A: He couldn’t find the droid he was looking for

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Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An investigator

 

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