I love stupid jokes and puns. I remember some but not all. I thought I’d create a page of jokes so I can remember them. Who knows, you might enjoy some
June 2020 From Reddit r/Jokes
A time traveler went to ancient Rome. When he got there he realized he wasn’t dressed properly, so he went to the toga store. He was a large man and couldn’t find the large togas; so he went to the salesman and asked:
“Do you have XL togas?”
The sales clerk responded: “Well, yes. But why do you need that many”?
I went to the optician today because I kept seeing the world fall apart.
He said I have 2020 vision.
Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding equipment?
He made a spectacle of himself.
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian: “I’d like to borrow a book on small penises”
The Libraian says: “It’s not it yet.”
The man says: “Yeah, that’s the one.”
Q: Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?
A: Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan
I got booed off the stage on open mic night. because of my terrible Schwarzenegger impression. But I’m not going to get me down.
I’ll be back.
My room mate thinks I’m crazy.
Jokes on him: I don’t have a room mate.
A man walks into his own home and asks his wife: “Why are all these broken condoms on the couch?”
His wife responds: “Can you please call our children my their names?”
July 20, 2018
From AARP magazine
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill this month so I sent him a get well soon card.
And this one is kind of dirty so skip it if you’d like. We heard a variation at the Oregon Coast Aquarium:
An octopus goes into a bar and says “I can play any instrument”.
Someone hands him a guitar and he plays like Eric Clapton
Then, someone points him to a piano and he plays it like Elton John.
Next someone hands him some bagpipes; the octopus fumbles with it for a bit and someone says “what’s the matter, I thought you could play anything”.
The octopus replied: “Play it!? I”m going to have sex with it once I figure out how to get her pajamas off.”
March 27, 2018 Heard or read this on the way to Chicago
Q: Why don’t crabs donate to charities
A: Because they are shellfish (selfish)
Q: What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
A: Prime mates.
If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They are usually 90 degrees.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus
Q: If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Really, really big hands
Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Cole’s Law is thinly sliced cabbage
I took part in the sun tanning Olympics.
I only got bronze.
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender says “Hey.”
The horse replies, “Sure”
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher that the Empire State Building?
A: Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Q: What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill”
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name
I Googled :”Rorschach Test”
But all that up were pictures of my parents fighting.
From the AARP magazine I think
Q: What country has the fastest growing capital city?
A: Ireland; ’cause it’s always Dublin [doubling].
From my buddy Denny – a Star Wars fan – but then, who isn’t? – oh yeah, Michelle.
Q: What is the temperature inside a Ton Ton
A: Luke warm
This next set are from the Cheezburger.com Fail Blog
My wife accused me of acting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.
Soldier: Thank you, sir
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.””
Shepherd herding sheep with a sheepdog, gets them into a pen, closes the gate and turns to the farmer.
Shepherd: Here you go sir, 20 good sheep there for you
Farmer looks them over and says: “There are only 16 sheep there, mate.”
Shepherd: I know but I just rounded them up.
Q: Where do sick boats go?
A: The dock.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards off a boat?
A: Because if they fell forward, the’d still be on the boat.
This is my step lader. I never really knew my real ladder.
I have two arms but I also have forearms (four arms)
Q: What is the biggest problem today: ignorance or apathy?
A: I don’t know and I don’t care?
Q: Why did the old man fall down the well?
A: He couldn’t see that well.
Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A: One’s really heavy; the other’s a little lighter.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was collecting dust.
Q: Which side of a chicken has more feathers?
A: The outside
Q: What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?
A: A polar bear.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come.
I’d like to start a career in mirror washing; it’s something I could really see myself doing.
Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: Because he’s got little legs.
A limbo champion walks into a bar; he’s disqualified
These come from wherever
Q: What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Q: Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?
A: He couldn’t find the droid he was looking for
Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An investigator