I love stupid jokes and puns. I remember some but not all. I thought I’d create a page of jokes so I can remember them. Who knows, you might enjoy some
July 20, 2018
From AARP magazine
My brother couldn’t pay his water bill this month so I sent him a get well soon card.
And this one is kind of dirty so skip it if you’d like. We heard a variation at the Oregon Coast Aquarium:
An octopus goes into a bar and says “I can play any instrument”.
Someone hands him a guitar and he plays like Eric Clapton
Then, someone points him to a piano and he plays it like Elton John.
Next someone hands him some bagpipes; the octopus fumbles with it for a bit and someone says “what’s the matter, I thought you could play anything”.
The octopus replied: “Play it!? I”m going to have sex with it once I figure out how to get her pajamas off.”
March 27, 2018 Heard or read this on the way to Chicago
Q: Why don’t crabs donate to charities
A: Because they are shellfish (selfish)
Q: What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?
A: Prime mates.
If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They are usually 90 degrees.
Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus
Q: If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Really, really big hands
Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Cole’s Law is thinly sliced cabbage
I took part in the sun tanning Olympics.
I only got bronze.
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender says “Hey.”
The horse replies, “Sure”
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher that the Empire State Building?
A: Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.
Q: What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill”
Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet
Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name
I Googled :”Rorschach Test”
But all that up were pictures of my parents fighting.
From the AARP magazine I think
Q: What country has the fastest growing capital city?
A: Ireland; ’cause it’s always Dublin [doubling].
From my buddy Denny – a Star Wars fan – but then, who isn’t? – oh yeah, Michelle.
Q: What is the temperature inside a Ton Ton
A: Luke warm
This next set are from the Cheezburger.com Fail Blog
My wife accused me of acting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.
Soldier: Thank you, sir
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.””
Shepherd herding sheep with a sheepdog, gets them into a pen, closes the gate and turns to the farmer.
Shepherd: Here you go sir, 20 good sheep there for you
Farmer looks them over and says: “There are only 16 sheep there, mate.”
Shepherd: I know but I just rounded them up.
Q: Where do sick boats go?
A: The dock.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards off a boat?
A: Because if they fell forward, the’d still be on the boat.
This is my step lader. I never really knew my real ladder.
I have two arms but I also have forearms (four arms)
Q: What is the biggest problem today: ignorance or apathy?
A: I don’t know and I don’t care?
Q: Why did the old man fall down the well?
A: He couldn’t see that well.
Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A: One’s really heavy; the other’s a little lighter.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was collecting dust.
Q: Which side of a chicken has more feathers?
A: The outside
Q: What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?
A: A polar bear.
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come.
I’d like to start a career in mirror washing; it’s something I could really see myself doing.
Q: What’s E.T. short for?
A: Because he’s got little legs.
A limbo champion walks into a bar; he’s disqualified
These come from wherever
Q: What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?
Q: Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?
A: He couldn’t find the droid he was looking for
Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
A: An investigator