Jokes

I love stupid jokes and puns. I remember some but not all. I thought I’d create a page of jokes so I can remember them. Who knows, you might enjoy some

March 27, 2018 Heard or read this on the way to Chicago

Q: Why don’t crabs donate to charities
A: Because they are shellfish (selfish)

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From Cheezburger.com February 18, 2018

Q: What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?

A: Prime mates.

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If you ever get cold, stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They are usually 90 degrees.

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Q: What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

A: I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus

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Q: If you have 10 apples in one hand and 14 oranges in the other, what do you have?

A: Really, really big hands

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Murphy’s Law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Cole’s Law is thinly sliced cabbage

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I took part in the sun tanning Olympics.
I only got bronze.

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A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender says “Hey.”
The horse replies, “Sure”

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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher that the Empire State Building?
A: Of course! The Empire State Building can’t jump.

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Q: What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
A: “Put it on my bill”

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Q: How does NASA organize a party?
A: They planet

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Q: What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
A: Same middle name

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I Googled :”Rorschach Test”
But all that up were pictures of my parents fighting.

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From the AARP magazine I think

Q: What country has the fastest growing capital city?

A: Ireland; ’cause it’s always Dublin [doubling].

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From my buddy Denny – a Star Wars fan – but then, who isn’t? – oh yeah, Michelle.

Q: What is the temperature inside a Ton Ton

A: Luke warm

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This next set are from the Cheezburger.com Fail Blog

My wife accused me of acting like a Flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

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Officer: Soldier, I did not see you in camouflage class.

Soldier: Thank you, sir

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says “sorry, we don’t serve food here.””

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Shepherd herding sheep with a sheepdog, gets them into a pen, closes the gate and turns to the farmer.

Shepherd: Here you go sir, 20 good sheep there for you

Farmer looks them over and says: “There are only 16 sheep there, mate.”

Shepherd: I know but I just rounded them up.

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Q: Where do sick boats go?

A: The dock.

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A plateau is the highest form of flattery

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Q: Why do scuba divers fall backwards off a boat?

A: Because if they fell forward, the’d still be on the boat.

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This is my step lader. I never really knew my real ladder.

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I have two arms but I also have forearms (four arms)

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Q: What is the biggest problem today:  ignorance or apathy?

A: I don’t know and I don’t care?

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Q: Why did the old man fall down the well?

A: He couldn’t see that well.

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Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

A: One’s really heavy; the other’s a little lighter.

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I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

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I had to sell my vacuum cleaner, because it was collecting dust.

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Q: Which side of a chicken has more feathers?

A: The outside

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Q: What’s the stupidest animal in the jungle?

A: A polar bear.

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?

A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come.

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I’d like to start a career in mirror washing; it’s something I could really see myself doing.

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Q: What’s E.T. short for?

A: Because he’s got little legs.

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A limbo champion walks into a bar; he’s disqualified

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These come from wherever

 

Q: What is the difference between a well dressed man on a bicycle and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?

A: Attire

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Q: Why did the storm trooper buy an iPhone?

A: He couldn’t find the droid he was looking for

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Q: What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

A: An investigator